http://forums.fanhost.com/ Have any jokes or funny stories? post them here! Easily the funniest forum on FanHost! en Sat, 21 Nov 2009 06:47:31 GMT vBulletin 60 http://forums.fanhost.com/images/misc/rss.jpg http://forums.fanhost.com/ http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/187120-speeding-new-post.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 10:34:23 GMT A young man was caught going almost double the speed limit through a small town. As the police officer walked up to the car, he said to the young... A young man was caught going almost double the speed limit through a small town. As the police officer walked up to the car, he said to the young man, "I've been waiting for you all day."

The young man replied, "Don't worry! I got here as fast as I could!"

He got off with a verbal warning.

This is a true story. ]]> MSFixR http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/187120-speeding.html http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/187100-bad-golfer-skydiver-new-post.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 10:43:10 GMT Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A: A golfer goes *SMACK* "Dang!" and the skydiver goes "Dang!" *SMACK* ]]> MSFixR http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/187100-bad-golfer-skydiver.html http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/187012-blonde-cookbook-new-post.html Fri, 13 Nov 2009 10:40:38 GMT It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose. ]]> MSFixR http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/187012-blonde-cookbook.html http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186996-bubbles-and-barbie-new-post.html Thu, 12 Nov 2009 10:57:35 GMT Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. ... Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

In due time, he did pass away, and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded him onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles said, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side. Finding the water only knee deep, she said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles." So they rowed a little farther out.

Again Bubbles asked Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, "No, this will never do; the water is only up to my chest."

So on they rowed and rowed and rowed, and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared. Quite a bit of time went by, and poor Bubbles was really getting worried when suddenly Barbie broke the surface, gasping for breath.

"Well, is it deep enough yet, sis?"

"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel." ]]> MSFixR http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186996-bubbles-and-barbie.html http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186995-difference-between-man-and-woman-showering-new-post.html Thu, 12 Nov 2009 08:42:50 GMT How to Shower Like a Woman 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom... How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your a**.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed. ]]> wade8069 http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186995-difference-between-man-and-woman-showering.html http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186994-types-of-girls-new-post.html Thu, 12 Nov 2009 08:40:27 GMT Hard Disk Girls: She remembers everything, FOREVER. RAM Girls: She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off. Windows Girls: Everyone... Hard Disk Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

Windows Girls:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

Screensaver Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

Internet Girls:
Difficult to access.

Server Girls:
Always busy when you need her.

Multimedia Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.

Email Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

Virus Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything. ]]> wade8069 http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186994-types-of-girls.html http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186975-adders-new-post.html Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:04:49 GMT The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."

A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.

"Cut down some trees and let us live there," say the snakes.

Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. He finds lots of little snakes, and everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

"Certainly," say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply." ]]> MSFixR http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186975-adders.html http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186969-husbands-performace-new-post.html Wed, 11 Nov 2009 06:26:10 GMT Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands` performance as a lover.
The first woman says, "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kind of like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it`s going to be when I get it." ]]> wade8069 http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186969-husbands-performace.html http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186968-brain-check-up-new-post.html Wed, 11 Nov 2009 06:20:50 GMT While having a brain check up Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor. Papuu : Yesss!!! (jumps in joy) Doctor : Did you... While having a brain check up
Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.

Papuu : Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?

Papuu : Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?

Doctor : Then why are you so happy?

Papuu : Because that proves that I have a brain! ]]> wade8069 http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186968-brain-check-up.html http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186943-bad-day-and-the-dwarf-new-post.html Tue, 10 Nov 2009 10:34:55 GMT I rear-ended a car this morning. I knew it was going to be a really bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf! He looked up... I rear-ended a car this morning. I knew it was going to be a really bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf!

He looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

That's how the fight started. ]]> MSFixR http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186943-bad-day-and-the-dwarf.html http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186941-dead-body-cycling-new-post.html Tue, 10 Nov 2009 09:01:37 GMT During an English lesson, the teacher notices that a boy was not paying attention to him. Teacher:Pappu, join these two sentences together. I was... During an English lesson, the teacher notices that a boy was not paying attention to him.

Teacher:Pappu, join these two sentences together. I was cycling to school. I saw a dead body.

Pappu: (thinking for a while) I saw a dead body cycling to school. ]]> wade8069 http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186941-dead-body-cycling.html http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186940-will-i-be-80-a-new-post.html Tue, 10 Nov 2009 08:58:09 GMT I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I... I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him 'Do you think I will live to be 80?'
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'
'Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?'
'I said, 'No, I usually stay home and keep to myself'.
'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'

He looked at me and said, 'Then why do you give a s h i t? ]]> wade8069 http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186940-will-i-be-80-a.html http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186925-change-new-post.html Mon, 09 Nov 2009 10:38:46 GMT "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, appreciate gourmet cooking and classical music, and even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me." ]]> MSFixR http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186925-change.html http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186923-mr-gorsky-new-post.html Mon, 09 Nov 2009 06:16:09 GMT On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On The Moon. His First Words After... On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar
Module, Neil Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On The Moon.

His First Words After Stepping On The Moon,
"that's One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind," Were Televised To Earth And Heard By Millions.

But Just Before He Reentered The Lander, He Made The
Enigmatic Remark "good Luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many People At Nasa Thought It Was A Casual Remark
Concerning Some Rival Soviet Cosmonaut.

However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In Either The
Russian Or American Space Programs.

Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The "good Luck, Mr. Gorsky"... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.

On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay , Florida , While Answering
Questions Following A Speech, A Reporter Brought Up The
26-year-old Question To Armstrong. This Time He Finally Responded.

Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong Felt He Could Answer The Question.

In 1938 When He Was A Kid In A Small Mid-west Town , He Was Playing Baseball With A Friend In The Backyard. His Friend Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By The Bedroom Windows. His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.



As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong
Heard Mrs. Gorsky Shouting At Mr. Gorsky."sex! You Want Sex?! You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On The Moon!"


True Story ]]> wade8069 http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186923-mr-gorsky.html http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186922-room-1221-a-new-post.html Mon, 09 Nov 2009 06:12:15 GMT A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside... A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your p e n i s is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221. ]]> wade8069 http://forums.fanhost.com/culture-sports-and-technology-126/jokes-and-humor-134/186922-room-1221-a.html