Les Miserables. An introduction for the lurkers...

[Captain Beefheart]

So, for our newbie friends who've been lurking the forum for more than a year but haven't registered, let's break down how things work here. First of all, you should understand that there are several specific types of threads you may inadvertantly find yourself in. These can include, but are not exclusive to:

1. The Nostalgia Thread: This is the thread where longtime posters, irritated at the lack of "forum love" they have recieved, go to throw pebbles at the well loved members of the forum who still haven't given up yet.

2. The I Love Fanhost Thread: Generally released by the same person who posted a nostaliga thread two to three weeks previously. Thread generally sees the same list of 5-10 people rehashed over and over by nearly everyone on the board until the thread is somewhere between 9 and 10 pages, by which point the thread will have turned into an argument.

3. The "I'm Leaving" Thread: The incredibly lame thread where a person, finally fed up with the dynamics of the board bids farewell in hopes that people will beg them not to leave.

4. The Youtube Thread: Hey guys, this is so funny! There's a crazy black person. And bored white kids afflicting themselves with all kinds of blunt force trauma. FUNNY! 8/10

5. The Random Member Appreciation Thread: This is where a forum member develops and intellectual e-crush on another forum member and instead of just up and admitting it they create a mastabetory bandwagon for a other forum members to ride on, eliminating any detremental feelings they have about having a crush on some strangers ideas and candor(Kicki's Secret Member Society. Guilty as charged).

****

10. The "Was Jesus really a Jew or just really cheap?" Thread: Where people speculate on the true nature of Jesus until someone posts a photoshop of Jesus getting skewerd by a rusty pipe and then a Christian squeaks up and is completely blasted to bits by this board's overtly Muslim sensibilities

Then one day we all realize that we've been skimming all the thread titles and think "well that was worthless" and then click our asses out of here. As this occurs you will also notice that most of the members seem to become faceless carbon copies of each other. You will not be able to tell who sucks but you will know that they do indeed suck.

-Beefheart The Observer (C)

[JenniferNoble]

youre hilarious

[MSFixR]

Wow, how introspective. You've pretty much hit the nail on the head although there is the occasional ray of sunshine peeking through the clouds.

[solo1]

I'm Leaving. Unless someone begs me not to. Also, even though I won't be posting, I'll be checking in anonymously to see what you're all saying about me now that I'm "not" around.

[MSFixR]

Geez, is everyone 12 years old on this forum?
Please, oh please don't leave Solo1.

[Captain Beefheart]

This is just satire MsFixR, no need to take it seriously as a statement of principle.

Thou Art Enlightened.

I was just trying to create some sort of crash course. Sort of. I'm not pointing fingers, or calling anyone out, none of that. You have to learn to read between the lines. Most of the regulars here have been logging in and out of here for 2-3 years average. There are people who keep order, those who make chacos and then the are others who don't believe in evolution. FUNNY. You know those chrome Christian fish accessories that people put on the backs of their cars? And there's the "response" accessory that has the fish with feet and it says DARWIN in the center of the fish? Well last week, I saw one that had a larger fish eating the DARWIN fish and inside the larger fish it said TRUTH.

I chuckled.

I'm Leaving. Unless someone begs me not to. Also, even though I won't be posting, I'll be checking in anonymously to see what you're all saying about me now that I'm "not" around.

Your my second favorite solo after Stairway.

[MissyO]

Oh, Beefy, I have an e-crush on you . Can I start a secret society for you, baby? I think I'm in love with your satire.

[Plastic Flute]

yep

[MissyO]

Ummm..... Not quite. We all know Beefy is engaged to Kicki. Not gonna happen.

[Plastic Flute]

Just kidding , Pal

[MissyO]

^ I know, baby. That's why I love ya .

[darko.]

uneventful summer, eh beefy?

[Captain Beefheart]

This is Captain Beefhear time.

When Alan Greenspan says the market is up, the market goes up. When he says we are going to go into a recession, we go into a recession. It ain't that we are really in a recession or that the market is really up.

Figure that one out. Or ask yourself what would Brian Boitano do?

And no don't look at me. I ain't dressing in white and playing Elliot Smith songs for your amusement.

uneventful summer, eh beefy?

It's time someone spiked the punch around here.

Sometimes I wish for insomnia. Or anxiety. Or just a little bit of restless leg syndrome. I have a hard time staying awake for things. I fall asleep during movies, waiting for dinner to finish cooking, sex, television shows, waiting for Axl Rose to finish Chinese Democracy. Sometimes I nod off at the computer and bang my forehead on the monitor. I blame it on the apnea and ADHD!

[MissyO]

Originally Posted by Captain Beefheart

And no don't look at me. I ain't dressing in white and playing Elliot Smith songs for your amusement.

Oh well, I still love you anyhow Beefy. But just so you know, I wouldn't want you too. You'd look terrible in a white suit and no-one can do a decent Elliott cover. Other than that, I'm heartbroken .

[Blackmask]

Where's 6,7,8 & 9? You can't just skip to 10, it suggests you can't count or ran out of ideas. Maybe one, or both of these are true, in which case I apologise for highlighting your inadequacies in the counting or imagination areas.

[Captain Beefheart]

I generally get an awkward feeling from any posts about posts on the forum, they have an unnatural self-consciousness feel to them

...but then again I like to indirectly make fun of people too, so i'll add them:

6. The list something thread. Usually the biggest threads, with the ratio of posts that are just lists to posts actually commenting on the lists being around 100:1. The digital equivelant of pissing in the pool.

7. The hijacked by an agenda thread.

8. The "Shut This Freaking Forum Down. It's Had It. I'm Serious. It's Long Past It's Prime And Predictable Threads About The Forum's Predictability Are A Symptom. It's Like This Is FREAKING MAD Magazine Or Something" thread.

9.














One day BM will realize that she has become a crotchety old woman, whom I still heart.

[Blackmask]

That's much better. The world needs strict order in things. 1 2 3 4 5 10 is not order, it's chaos, and chaos can only lead to confusion and fear and from that more chaos and more confusion and fear. You were starting this thread, this forum, the message board and then the world on a dangerous path. Now order has been restored, the world can continue to exist without chaos and without confusion and fear. You shall be sainted one day for this unselfish gesture.

[solo1]

10.

Posted by sex_addict_97: Moron
Posted by freak_boo: Git
Posted by sex_addict_97: Loser
Posted by freak_boo: I HATE YOU DIE DIE DIE
Posted by moderator: Right, this has gone off-topic. Take it to PM.
Posted by sex_addict_97: You heard him. Take it to PM, dickwad.
Posted by freak_boo: Why don't you take it to PM?
Posted by moderator: Thread closed.

[Blackmask]

There's already a 10, it's in the first post. Why must you mess with the natural order of things and go on your own chaotic path?

[solo1]

I thought that's what everyone on Fanhost liked about me? Mix it up, change things around, do unexpected things, fail to count to ten correctly, solo1 ...