Football Dictionary

**Val** · 03-04-2007, 01:21 AM

Did any one poste this before?
I apologize if it's a repost.

In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases:

BLITZ: The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every benediction.

BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.

COACH: The children's Christmas program director.

ASSISTANT COACH: Every mother who has a kid in the children's Christmas program.

COMMERCIAL: Announcements.

DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.

DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.

END ZONE: The pews.

EXTRA POINT: What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.

FIRST QUARTER: What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.

FOURTH QUARTER: The amount that makes up the $1 most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.

HAIL MARY: Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.

HALFTIME: Usually during the offertory when at least 14 people decide they need to use the restroom.

HOLDING: Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.

ILLEGAL CONTACT: What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry.

ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.

INTERFERENCE: Talking during the organ prelude.

OFFSIDES: When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir room (severe penalty incurred).

PASS INTERFERENCE: 1. Single male usher spots single woman in audience.
2. A parent moving between two teens in the
pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.

QUARTERBACK SNEAK: 1. How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.
2. Sunday school teachers entering the building five minutes after classes began.

RAIN DELAY: Baptism

RED DOG: Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who "own" their own pew.

SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than twenty minutes.

TACKLE: 1. What takes place to the only eligible bachelor at the 35-and-over singles enrichment retreat.
2. Asking that "new couple" to sing in the choir, work in the nursery, serve on a committee, join a Bible study, and teach the middle schoolers before they get away.

PASS: When the new couple says no.

TIME-OUT: Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: The pastor's wife looking at her watch in full view of the pastor.

UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT: Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.

**MSFixR** · 03-04-2007, 08:37 AM

**eliza'snumber1fan** · 03-04-2007, 02:01 PM

BlackWolf · 03-04-2007, 10:22 PM

**Sk8er gurl** · 03-05-2007, 05:39 AM

03-04-2007, 01:21 AM	#1 (permalink)
Val Gear Heads Moderator Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Brazil Posts: 7,910 My Profile	Football Dictionary Did any one poste this before? I apologize if it's a repost. In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases: BLITZ: The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every benediction. BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting. COACH: The children's Christmas program director. ASSISTANT COACH: Every mother who has a kid in the children's Christmas program. COMMERCIAL: Announcements. DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent. DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service. END ZONE: The pews. EXTRA POINT: What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short. FIRST QUARTER: What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving. FOURTH QUARTER: The amount that makes up the $1 most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more. HAIL MARY: Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate. HALFTIME: Usually during the offertory when at least 14 people decide they need to use the restroom. HOLDING: Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent. ILLEGAL CONTACT: What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry. ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction. INTERFERENCE: Talking during the organ prelude. OFFSIDES: When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir room (severe penalty incurred). PASS INTERFERENCE: 1. Single male usher spots single woman in audience. 2. A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon. QUARTERBACK SNEAK: 1. How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction. 2. Sunday school teachers entering the building five minutes after classes began. RAIN DELAY: Baptism RED DOG: Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who "own" their own pew. SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than twenty minutes. TACKLE: 1. What takes place to the only eligible bachelor at the 35-and-over singles enrichment retreat. 2. Asking that "new couple" to sing in the choir, work in the nursery, serve on a committee, join a Bible study, and teach the middle schoolers before they get away. PASS: When the new couple says no. TIME-OUT: Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall. TWO-MINUTE WARNING: The pastor's wife looking at her watch in full view of the pastor. UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT: Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.

03-04-2007, 08:37 AM	#2 (permalink)
MSFixR Science Boy Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Dante's Inferno, Circle 4 Posts: 9,079 My Profile	7.

03-04-2007, 02:01 PM	#3 (permalink)
eliza'snumber1fan moderator Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Countdown to new york starts now!! Posts: 5,085 My Profile	8

03-04-2007, 10:22 PM	#4 (permalink)
BlackWolf Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Posts: 28,122 My Profile	7

03-05-2007, 05:39 AM	#5 (permalink)
Sk8er gurl In My Head Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: dreamland Posts: 3,223 My Profile	7

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