Cover Letters From Hell

[MSFixR]

The following were extracted from: http://www.killianadvertising.com/coverletters.html
Comments in brackets are those of Killian Advertising.

"I expect the position to pay commissary to that of its value, as well as to the performance completed."

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"It is my desire to develop and generate the revolving scheme to filter to the consuming public in."

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"Skills: Microst word, excel, and power point. Mulitaks person, public speaking, and surveying.
Professional Associations
Chairwomen of Studnts Teaching Awareness and Responsibility organization
Responsible for research of all 10 event topics, coordinating all campus chiarpersons." [Editor's note: Despite the many and obvious limitations of SpellCheck, isn't it worth at least a try ... for instance, while you Mulitaks with the other chiarpersons?]

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"Objective: To work in a challenging environment that allows me to use my imaginatiation....
Education: ______ Collage, B.A. expected, June 2003." [Editor's note: Does attending "collage" involve sleepover seminars where you cut up stacks of Teen Scene magazine?]

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"Who's better to spew out incite, than a college senior ... ?" [Editor's lament: We don't have the "imaginatiation" to make up stuff like this.]

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"The colors red, blue, and lavender are those that I identify with the most. I feel they accurately describe my personality. I choose red because I turn red when I get embarrassed ...." [That "red" thing must come up daily. We pulled the plug on this because you get the drift; the subsequent "blue" and "lavender" explanations didn't substantially improve her employment chances.]

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"I also have a degree English which serves me well in editing text for poor grammer or typos."
[Immediately after we first published this one, in Newsletter #17, we got calls and letters asking if it could possibly be real. Yep. She's a freelance web designer from Alabama, and we saved the original, as we did with the following, an all-time CLFH turn for the verse:

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Twas 4 weeks after Christmas
And all throughout Killian and Company
Human Relations pondered over
Who would be the next intern/employee?

[Not a promising beginning, poetry fans. Try tapping your toes to this next stanza. It's a major challenge, since every line has a different number of syllables.]

The staff in their cubicles, all snug in their chairs
While visions of lunch in Chi-town were their only main cares
The big boss in his office, and me still at Miami
Both nervous and wondering: our hands remained clammy

[Out of discretion, we normally edit out any references that could identify a person or institution, but since there are two Miamis, we left it in. They can each assume it's the other one.]

When out in the mailroom there arose such a clatter
Employees from all over crowded to see what was the matter
Back in my apartment with a smile laid back
I knew once they'd opened my letter; there was no turning back

[This stanza falls into the category ... no, strike that. This stanza lurches drunkenly down the basement stairs of the category Rhythm, stumbling into synchopathology, a word we just made up.]

The sun on the streets of busy Windy City
Gave the luster of midday to 322 S. Green
When, what to their letter reading eyes should appear?
A girl with some spunk, and evidently no fear

[Nor ear.]

As Ivory goes along with a substance called soap
Everyone looked at each other with a small gleam of hope
"It's time to stop letting all the normal folk dance
And open our eyes, and give this chick a chance!"

[We'll stop here, although it goes on, and on, and on, and on for some time. Get a long little doggerel? We'll spare you the Yoda-like "Graduating college she is!" because we're getting all clammy. Again.]

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"Hi! My name is ____, and I am a senior at ____ University. For my one Advertising class we are select and present an agency, within our groups, to the class in which we find interesting.... Such information that I would need is
1) How your departments are broken down? ["By reading the mail?"]
2) Who is the executives and how moving up the ladder is achieved?"
[We will omit, out of mercy, questions 3 through 7.]

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"Today is the first day of my life... Last year was a tremendous year for personal growth, insight and maturity. I courted that growth... This year I want to "take the world by storm." I want to make a film. I want to be the producer or the director, which ever will put me in the middle of all the creativity and decision-making.... I am terrified of the all-out approach I sense in my spirit. However, I am not scared enough to let it stop me. I will go and push and strive until I have reached the finish line. I will sacrifice anything but my God (morals) and my family. Pride has no place in my new life. I will be striving for perfection."

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"I also want to obtain a deeper understanding of how Advertising firms." [Ahhh, no comment.]


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An all-time classic sent in by a CLFH fan from the great state of Michigan, where the cyclical nature of the automotive industry leads to a lot of job switching. It's yet another example of why you can't just rely on spell-check to catch all your errors:

"I am seeking a new position as i have recently been laid."

[We wish her the best of luck in her career.]

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"May I ask you for spending a little moment in looking at some of my interesting facts?"

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"[My] proven record of successful brand building ... demonstrate[s] my ability to perform in a fast paced environment. Originally from Vietnam, I also offer expertise in the following areas:
- Asian cuisine: I deliver Nem, in-box or out-of-the-box,
- Traditional massage: I satisfy Client above their expectation,
- Karaoke singing: but also a lot of listening, listening and listening to Client.
Would you like to taste any of those, please feel free to contact me on my email address mentioned above."

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"Strong writing abilities. Able to analysis data and problem solve." [Editor's note: Thirteen file this into please put.]

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"Another reason [you should hire me is] your web site is very unfriendly and may sway some clients into not working with you. People use websites of companies such as yours for research and your website thinks that it is witty, but comes off very dull and cheezy." [Editor's note: This is the first entry in a new category we call "Insult Your Way to the Top!"]

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"I will be able to input your agency with a wide and nouveau perspective in the creative field."

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"I need real world experience and after reviewing your web site I get the impressing that your company believes in maintain a lax work environment while efficiently meeting the needs of it's customers (right?)." [We replied to this college senior, on an ill-advised rescue impulse, gently suggesting he get some remedial help with his writing, since he had an error in every single sentence of his three-page letter. His furious four-page reply included some amazing stuff, such as]

"...you should be straight forward and ... simply state that your company is seeking a grammar teacher who lacks creativity but knows how to properly write a letter and knows exactly where to place punctuation. If your company takes such a serious position towards proper grammar then I think you guys are in the wrong profession. I believe even the leader of this country that we live in lacks proper grammar yet he is still our leader. I can assure you that he leaves grammar and punctuation to the proper authorities such as his receptionist or grade school English teacher. ...I am not precisely sure why you choose to take such a stance perhaps because you have nothing better to do, or maybe because you have personal insecurities that seep out and you feel the need to degrade or target others based on stupid little infractions to make yourself feel better, I don't know what the case is ... if I am out of line please let me know but if I recall properly your companies web site is not the most professional site there is. If you guys are trying to project a laid back yet hard working image through your site and request the same from prospective employees then you should not be so prudent about minor infractions such as punctuation and grammar.... (I reread it before sending it and it states my point clearly and unless you lack the mental capacity to make out the meaning without having exact and precisise grammar maybe you should seek a new proffsion, I hear this country lacks alot of grammar school teachers perhaps that would be a better fit for you) In conclusion I have indeed made many mistakes in this e-mail many on purpose and many accidentaly I did not have the time nor the patientce to deal with it I will leave the grammer checking to the professionals such as yourself." [Editor's note: although his response fascinated us, you can understand why we no longer reply to the Differently Stable.]

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"At school he is a student of advertising, on the streets of Chicago he is a student of culture and memes..." [We interrupt I-learned-a-new-word-this-semester to provide a color commentary: the whole letter was printed in a jagged red House font, over a solarized black and white picture of not much, which made reading it a 20-minute struggle. But you have to give him this: for a change, the new word was not "semiotics."]"... this is Advertising, finding that elusive why. Charles understand the nuances of culture, the relativity of trends, the impact of memes. Interpretation of this cultural coed is what drive our business.... He is all of us and one of us, he is the Cultural Chameleon." [We dated a cultural coed once ... but we don't remember if she drive our business ...]

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"... But that's the past. I've given them a year of my life in a minimum security work camp and I'm nearing work release status where I'll be for the next 15 months or so... I need to connect with open-minded people like myself! My crime was a 'non-violent, victimless' one. I'm hoping this letter is reaching people who have or do smoke weed ..."

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"A résumé is the fabric that makes the person. Now, I must combine those fibers and project them so you can discover a little personality beyond the framework." [The accompanying résumé was printed on fabric, which helps explain but not justify the preposterous assertion of the first sentence, or the mixed metaphors of the second.] [My résumé] ... will speak volumes of inexperience, however, I think perhaps you will find that it also speaks multitudes about a girl that is ambitious, eager, and very much determined to land a job in the industry and work toward upward mobility."

[This next isn't exactly a cover letter excerpt: it's the first line of a speculative ad layout submitted by the would-be copywriter who submitted the fabric-printed muddle above. The ad is for champagne.] "You feel the crisp, aged taste permeating in your mouth."

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"Looking for a full creative person for your team? ... Deep Studies on movies. Prepared for the totally unexpected advertising and Selling Blasting"

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"I am getting to my goal, slowly but surly."

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HI
MY NAME IS EUGENE
I'M FROM UKRAINE, AND WERY INTERESTING ABOUT PROFI ADVERTISMENT...
I HAVE SOME INTERESTING AND ABSOLUTELY NEW IDEAS (for example about car brands)... BUT IN OUR ***ING (sorry) COUNTRY ITS UNREAL TO DO OWN BUSSINESS... MAY BE YOU WANT TO WORK WITH US ? ITS WILL BE REALLY GOOD...
BEST REGARDS !
eugene

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"I want to expose my creative ideas for a good agency not just that the agency is good rather to build a image of quality. I know no in this selfish and risky world will give the chance until I prove my quality that too in free of cost. Thus, I am offering you this small note of request to give me a break by providing projects of
a.Creating concept for T.V Commercials
b.Print media
c.Hoarding
I would like to do first three project for you without any payment or salary. Just to prove my creativity. This is to win your confidence to give me a Just to prove that I can add wing to your agency to fly and reach the height of success. Though it may sound big but I believe in myself and have enough confident to win your trust on me by my work. This will give both of us to understand better."

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"It is through the innovational process, as well as media, that the features of an image can be highlighted and brought to the forefront for the consumer viewing." [We would translate this, but it sounds better in the original Gibberish.]

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"I would like to start learning from a pronoun company and I feel as if Killian & Co. Advertising will give me the opportunity I am looking for." [Editor's note: no chance, babe. We're an adjective company.]

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"I am a motivated, self-igniting person who greatly entertains the challenges of bettering myself and the performance of work that I do."

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"I have been on Sabitcal for a while." [Side effects of Sabitcal may include dizziness, brain cramps, and bonehead spelling errors. Ask your doctor if Sabitcal is right for you.]

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"That I offer my services at all, you may take as a complement, since I am one of the new wave of workers more interested in the quality of my work than the new fangaled fast buck concepts of the past few years."

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"I have a plethora of tenured skills which I know would benefit your clients/organization."

[Val]

Man ... it's too big Firx!
But I'll read it.

[MissyO]

Originally Posted by MSFixR

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"May I ask you for spending a little moment in looking at some of my interesting facts?"

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"[My] proven record of successful brand building ... demonstrate[s] my ability to perform in a fast paced environment. Originally from Vietnam, I also offer expertise in the following areas:
- Asian cuisine: I deliver Nem, in-box or out-of-the-box,
- Traditional massage: I satisfy Client above their expectation,
- Karaoke singing: but also a lot of listening, listening and listening to Client.
Would you like to taste any of those, please feel free to contact me on my email address mentioned above."

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"... But that's the past. I've given them a year of my life in a minimum security work camp and I'm nearing work release status where I'll be for the next 15 months or so... I need to connect with open-minded people like myself! My crime was a 'non-violent, victimless' one. I'm hoping this letter is reaching people who have or do smoke weed ..."

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"I am getting to my goal, slowly but surly."

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"I would like to start learning from a pronoun company and I feel as if Killian & Co. Advertising will give me the opportunity I am looking for." [Editor's note: no chance, babe. We're an adjective company.]

F*cking brilliant. It took me two sittings to get throught them all, but that was the best laugh I've had in a while. 10