And the winner of the worst writing of 2008 is ...

**MSFixR** · 08-14-2008, 08:02 AM

SAN JOSE, California (AP) -- A grotesque comparison of a steamy love affair to a New York City street has won a Washington man this year's grand prize in an annual contest of bad writing.

Garrison Spik, a 41-year-old communications director and writer, took top honors in San Jose State University's 26th annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest with this opening sentence to a nonexistent novel:

"Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped 'Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J."'

The contest is named after Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830 novel "Paul Clifford" famously begins "It was a dark and stormy night."

Entrants are asked to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. Awards are given for many categories, including awards for "purple prose" and "vile puns." The top winner receives a $250 prize.

Other noteworthy submissions:

"'Toads of glory, slugs of joy,' sang Groin the dwarf as he trotted jovially down the path before a great dragon ate him because the author knew that this story was a train wreck after he typed the first few words."

-- Alex Hall, Greeley, Colorado

"Like a mechanic who forgets to wipe his hands on a shop rag and then goes home, hugs his wife, and gets a grease stain on her favorite sweater -- love touches you, and marks you forever."

-- Beth Fand Incollingo, Haddon Heights, New Jersey

CNN, August 14, 2008.

(No one from FHN entered?)

**MissyO** · 08-14-2008, 10:56 PM

Oh man, I love this competition! I've always wanted to enter, I'm pretty f*ckin confident I could take it out even with a real attempt at writing!

Bad writers of the world, UNITE!!!!!!

**Plastic Flute** · 08-14-2008, 11:27 PM

We should get together and write our own book, Dammit we have the talent here.

Ophelia · 08-15-2008, 10:18 PM

true dat. I could win the bad grammar competition. Bring it!

**MissyO** · 08-15-2008, 10:32 PM

I wonder why Beefy didn't enter? He takes the pool at nonsensical writing.

Ophelia · 08-15-2008, 10:34 PM

Is there still time?...I think he could take it all!

**MissyO** · 08-15-2008, 10:40 PM

We must encourage him, even if its to get him ready for his ultimate victories next year.

Captain Beefheart · 08-15-2008, 11:56 PM

My high school/first semester of college essays with topics ranging from post humanism to increasing cellulose yield of forage grasses using fungal esterases looked like that. The proffesors' response usually went along the line "Noel, you used a lot of big words. Great! Good for you! It was a little long, so I didn't read the whole thing, but who cares 'cause I gave you an A!"

I don't know tho, some people enjoy Phillip K. **** books which read like 7th grade literature and I get singled out. Only difference is he earns money for it, I get gold medals for pleonasms and Nobels. Must be the humanitarian in me.

08-14-2008, 08:02 AM	#1 (permalink)
MSFixR Moderate Moderator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Dante's Inferno, Circle 5 Posts: 13,283 My Profile	And the winner of the worst writing of 2008 is ... SAN JOSE, California (AP) -- A grotesque comparison of a steamy love affair to a New York City street has won a Washington man this year's grand prize in an annual contest of bad writing. Garrison Spik, a 41-year-old communications director and writer, took top honors in San Jose State University's 26th annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest with this opening sentence to a nonexistent novel: "Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped 'Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J."' The contest is named after Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830 novel "Paul Clifford" famously begins "It was a dark and stormy night." Entrants are asked to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. Awards are given for many categories, including awards for "purple prose" and "vile puns." The top winner receives a $250 prize. Other noteworthy submissions: "'Toads of glory, slugs of joy,' sang Groin the dwarf as he trotted jovially down the path before a great dragon ate him because the author knew that this story was a train wreck after he typed the first few words." -- Alex Hall, Greeley, Colorado "Like a mechanic who forgets to wipe his hands on a shop rag and then goes home, hugs his wife, and gets a grease stain on her favorite sweater -- love touches you, and marks you forever." -- Beth Fand Incollingo, Haddon Heights, New Jersey CNN, August 14, 2008. (No one from FHN entered?)

08-15-2008, 11:56 PM	#8 (permalink)
Captain Beefheart Mu nótahu Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: In a West End town, a dead end world Posts: 4,314 My Profile	My high school/first semester of college essays with topics ranging from post humanism to increasing cellulose yield of forage grasses using fungal esterases looked like that. The proffesors' response usually went along the line "Noel, you used a lot of big words. Great! Good for you! It was a little long, so I didn't read the whole thing, but who cares 'cause I gave you an A!" I don't know tho, some people enjoy Phillip K. **** books which read like 7th grade literature and I get singled out. Only difference is he earns money for it, I get gold medals for pleonasms and Nobels. Must be the humanitarian in me. Last edited by Captain Beefheart; 08-16-2008 at 12:04 AM..

08-14-2008, 10:56 PM	#2 (permalink)
MissyO Perennially Disgruntled Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Sydney Posts: 4,398 My Profile	Oh man, I love this competition! I've always wanted to enter, I'm pretty f*ckin confident I could take it out even with a real attempt at writing! Bad writers of the world, UNITE!!!!!!

08-14-2008, 11:27 PM	#3 (permalink)
Plastic Flute ICHiBAN HoOT Join Date: May 2006 Location: New Jersey Posts: 16,766 My Profile	We should get together and write our own book, Dammit we have the talent here.

08-15-2008, 10:18 PM	#4 (permalink)
Ophelia Josh's Loin Warmer Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Joshtopia Posts: 7,538 My Profile	true dat. I could win the bad grammar competition. Bring it!

08-15-2008, 10:32 PM	#5 (permalink)
MissyO Perennially Disgruntled Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Sydney Posts: 4,398 My Profile	I wonder why Beefy didn't enter? He takes the pool at nonsensical writing.

08-15-2008, 10:34 PM	#6 (permalink)
Ophelia Josh's Loin Warmer Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Joshtopia Posts: 7,538 My Profile	Is there still time?...I think he could take it all!

08-15-2008, 10:40 PM	#7 (permalink)
MissyO Perennially Disgruntled Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Sydney Posts: 4,398 My Profile	We must encourage him, even if its to get him ready for his ultimate victories next year.

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