Is this anygood?

itwasn'tme · 11-25-2007, 07:42 PM

I kinda, But doas anybody here? Mabey I should've called it (It's Clear) or(Something Like That)

Invisible Feelings for you
I feel like your near
Waiting so long to hold you
Thinking if I should have you
Invisible Feelings....for you....
I feel like something is going to happen to you
More and more each day feels like I'm falling
It's clear that it's my
Invisible Feelings for you
Invisible...Invisible feelings for you...
Thos eyes light my life up
Could my Invisible Feelings for you be going away
No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No
It feel's like I just got hit by bolt of lightning
It's clear I got Invisible Feeling for you...
I feel like you should know me
My head spinning around and around
I feel like I should know you
Feel like running to you
It's been to long
Feel like jumping up when the phone rings
It's clear I got Invisible Feelings for you...
I got Invisible Feelings for you...
I got Invisible Feelings for you...

PS If it's no good, sorry for posting it. I wrote 3 more, I called them (I'm Looseing it) (With Her) Without Her) oh I wrote this around 2003 and 2004.

**Val** · 11-25-2007, 08:34 PM

Anyway ... welcome to fanhost.
Mainly here, the whatever forum. Your first option for insanity on the net!

11-25-2007, 08:36 PM

It has its potential. Is this meant to be played like a song, perhaps with an acoustic guitar?

We have a Arts & Literature forum, perhaps you would like to run this and the others you wrote by its moderator "MissyO", wonderful woman and very quite intelligent, but most importantly, she's honest.

Oh, and also Ophelia, she reads tons of literature she can maybe help out a bit if she catches your thread.

And perhaps, if you don't mind, we can suggest certain changes or point out things that stick out. Stop by and say "hello".

Cheers.

**Val** · 11-25-2007, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Avis Phlox

Is this meant to be played like a song, perhaps with an acoustic guitar?

Not bad.

But the lyrics could be better. If Beef improve it, I can do the mixing.

11-25-2007, 08:47 PM

Captain Beefheart would turn it into a gangsta rap song. I think "itwasn'tme" intended to be more romantic.

**Ophelia** · 11-26-2007, 10:39 AM

I agree with Phoenix, it does sound like a song. It's very heartfelt and sweet. I think it has potential as well, I would suggest re-writing it several times to get it to its best. No poem is ever done on the first draft. Like thess lines.

"I forget that your living in another state" "I feel like it's over when you got a boyfriend" - - They sound just like a regular sentences and not very poetic. I would try to brainstorm another way to say this in a more poetic way so that it matches the rhythm of the poem.

How sweet are you, writing poetry...*smooch* Good luck.

itwasn'tme · 11-26-2007, 04:47 PM

Sorry if the soug or poem whatever it is was not anygood, I wrote when I thought I had feelings for her.

**MissyO** · 11-26-2007, 05:40 PM

^ Don't apologize mate. Its sweet, and we love to hear people's original works around these parts. Welcome to the forum, and relax, we don't bite.

Captain Beefheart · 11-27-2007, 12:16 AM

Zoinks
psyche!
no no
I kid
I like
salright

Surf's up and Missy's the rickshaw and coolie to my Holst's Mars bumping huey.
Killed it in one line, Morricone plays as I slowly walk away.

Good times.

-Beefheart.

itwasn'tme · 11-27-2007, 12:34 AM

I typed the 2 on the chat rooms(A loug time ago). Was that a stupid thing to do?

Captain Beefheart · 11-27-2007, 12:44 AM

Next time type "Poetry basics and structure" and hit "I'm feeling Lucky" on Google, you might actually get a lifesize R2D2 figure. Beware!

I will not lie to you tho. If you feel comfortable putting this in the public arena for us to read with all these contrived metaphors and horrid lack of form. I applaud that the guts, but the end results leaves a lot ot be desired. The poem goes nowhere, has no structure and is full of barely insightful, cliche observations and a weak metaphor that-again-goes nowhere.

When you see a truly beautiful work of art, you don't see a preliminary sketch. The master burns those. Work on your craft and try not to be the next "ghost writer" for the next emo band profiled by Rolling Stone. That's all.

I couldn't do any better, if that means anything.

11-25-2007, 07:42 PM	#1 (permalink)
itwasn'tme Time Newbie Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 27 My Profile	Is this anygood? I kinda, But doas anybody here? Mabey I should've called it (It's Clear) or(Something Like That) Invisible Feelings for you I feel like your near Waiting so long to hold you Thinking if I should have you Invisible Feelings....for you.... I feel like something is going to happen to you More and more each day feels like I'm falling It's clear that it's my Invisible Feelings for you Invisible...Invisible feelings for you... Thos eyes light my life up Could my Invisible Feelings for you be going away No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No It feel's like I just got hit by bolt of lightning It's clear I got Invisible Feeling for you... I feel like you should know me My head spinning around and around I feel like I should know you Feel like running to you It's been to long Feel like jumping up when the phone rings It's clear I got Invisible Feelings for you... I got Invisible Feelings for you... I got Invisible Feelings for you... PS If it's no good, sorry for posting it. I wrote 3 more, I called them (I'm Looseing it) (With Her) Without Her) oh I wrote this around 2003 and 2004. Last edited by itwasn'tme : 11-28-2007 at 01:35 AM.

11-25-2007, 08:36 PM	#3 (permalink)
Avis Phlox Posts: n/a	It has its potential. Is this meant to be played like a song, perhaps with an acoustic guitar? We have a Arts & Literature forum, perhaps you would like to run this and the others you wrote by its moderator "MissyO", wonderful woman and very quite intelligent, but most importantly, she's honest. Oh, and also Ophelia, she reads tons of literature she can maybe help out a bit if she catches your thread. And perhaps, if you don't mind, we can suggest certain changes or point out things that stick out. Stop by and say "hello". Cheers. Last edited by Avis Phlox : 11-25-2007 at 08:41 PM.

11-26-2007, 10:39 AM	#6 (permalink)
Ophelia JOHO Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Joshtopia Posts: 7,020 My Profile	I agree with Phoenix, it does sound like a song. It's very heartfelt and sweet. I think it has potential as well, I would suggest re-writing it several times to get it to its best. No poem is ever done on the first draft. Like thess lines. "I forget that your living in another state" "I feel like it's over when you got a boyfriend" - - They sound just like a regular sentences and not very poetic. I would try to brainstorm another way to say this in a more poetic way so that it matches the rhythm of the poem. How sweet are you, writing poetry...smooch Good luck. Last edited by Ophelia : 11-26-2007 at 10:40 AM.

11-27-2007, 12:34 AM	#10 (permalink)
itwasn'tme Time Newbie Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 27 My Profile	I typed the 2 on the chat rooms(A loug time ago). Was that a stupid thing to do? Last edited by itwasn'tme : 11-27-2007 at 12:38 AM.

11-27-2007, 12:44 AM	#11 (permalink)
Captain Beefheart Mu nótahu Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: In a West End town, a dead end world Posts: 3,677 My Profile	Next time type "Poetry basics and structure" and hit "I'm feeling Lucky" on Google, you might actually get a lifesize R2D2 figure. Beware! I will not lie to you tho. If you feel comfortable putting this in the public arena for us to read with all these contrived metaphors and horrid lack of form. I applaud that the guts, but the end results leaves a lot ot be desired. The poem goes nowhere, has no structure and is full of barely insightful, cliche observations and a weak metaphor that-again-goes nowhere. When you see a truly beautiful work of art, you don't see a preliminary sketch. The master burns those. Work on your craft and try not to be the next "ghost writer" for the next emo band profiled by Rolling Stone. That's all. I couldn't do any better, if that means anything. Last edited by Captain Beefheart : 11-27-2007 at 12:47 AM.

11-25-2007, 08:34 PM	#2 (permalink)
Val Gear Heads Moderator Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Brazil Posts: 7,620 My Profile	Anyway ... welcome to fanhost. Mainly here, the whatever forum. Your first option for insanity on the net!

11-25-2007, 08:47 PM	#5 (permalink)
Avis Phlox Posts: n/a	Captain Beefheart would turn it into a gangsta rap song. I think "itwasn'tme" intended to be more romantic.

11-26-2007, 04:47 PM	#7 (permalink)
itwasn'tme Time Newbie Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 27 My Profile	Sorry if the soug or poem whatever it is was not anygood, I wrote when I thought I had feelings for her.

11-26-2007, 05:40 PM	#8 (permalink)
MissyO Perennially Disgruntled Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Sydney Posts: 4,113 My Profile	^ Don't apologize mate. Its sweet, and we love to hear people's original works around these parts. Welcome to the forum, and relax, we don't bite.

11-27-2007, 12:16 AM	#9 (permalink)
Captain Beefheart Mu nótahu Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: In a West End town, a dead end world Posts: 3,677 My Profile	Zoinks psyche! no no I kid I like salright Surf's up and Missy's the rickshaw and coolie to my Holst's Mars bumping huey. Killed it in one line, Morricone plays as I slowly walk away. Good times. -Beefheart.

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