[superboy]

Team Tomko is in the ring. Brother Ray is cutting a promo on behalf of Team 3D, James Storm, Styles and Tomko saying they are the greatest force in history. Team Cage comes out and Christian has a mic. "Do me a favor Brother Ray, stop whining, stop complaining. You're like Hillary Clinton in a fat suit. I'm sorry, that was a bad analogy - Hillary Clinton has bigger balls than you. Let me tell you why you're really mad. Last week we made you all look like complete jackasses. Don't think after Storm laid out Sting with a beer bottle I couldn't figure out what was going on. Tomko this is exactly why I told you never to think, because I am the Instant Classic, I am the champ, and the champ is always one step ahead. That step ahead is right here next to me, Matt Morgan. At Lethal Lockdown, Team Cage leaves Team Tomko for dead. If you don't know... NOW YOU KNOW."

AJ Styles: "Don't bring it, sing it!" Cage decides to come down to the ring and sing. The rest of Team Tomko bails, leaving AJ in the ring by himself, and when Styles realizes he's all by himself he bails too.

TO THE BACK with Samoa Joe. "I'll sign that contract with my own blood. If I'm not TNA Heavyweight Champion, I'll walk away from wrestling forever." Commercial.

Why does the Lockdown logo have a four leaf clover? Luck should have nothing to do with it inside a steel cage, at least in kayfabe. Angle is backstage with Borash and says he's won 75% of their encounters, which means he only has a 25% chance of winning come Sunday. "What's the stupid look on your face? You have something on your mind? Say it!" Borash says Joe has been sending in videos of him training with the best fighters in the world, and Angle says that's impossible because he hasn't been training with him, nor could he have Angle's 30 years of experience. We throw to a promo package putting over Consequences Creed.

* TNA Lockdown Xscape Qualifying Match: Jimmy Rave v. Consequences Creed

Christy Hemme and the Rock 'n Suck Connection make their way down to the ring, where Hemme sings some awful attempt at music. Seriously - THIS is how they debut Consequences Creed in his first match back since both Ron 'The Truth' Killings and that shitty NFL player left the ring. Some debut. I thought with that promo they just aired Creed would make his debut on Impact next week, but that's typical TNA... three seconds build to something important. The afro'd Creed hits a scoop slam and leg drop for two, but Rave responds with a clothesline and a boot to the head. Rave takes over and Creed plays the face in peril. He mocks Creed with a little air guitar and it's a mistake as he hits a flying forearm and clothesline of his own. Hemme distracts the ref, Hoyt interferes, Rave hits a roll-up for two. Hoyt is knocked off the apron, Creed does punches and a split, then hits a hammerlock DDT for three. WINNER: CONSEQUENCES CREED. He's got a better physique AND moveset than D-Ray 3000, I'll say that much.

We immediately go TO THE BACK where Black Machismo is cutting a promo while So Cal Val holds his belt. Sonjay Dutt shows up and puts over Cal's red hair and blue dress, then offers to take her shopping and leaves with her. Machismo reacts by saying the whole thing is a little tiki gonzo. Don't worry, I have no ****ing idea what that means either. Commercial.

We're back in the Impact Zone and Jim Cornette is at the announce table. I know that Derek Burgan, Dr. Keith Lipinski and Metal Bob are somewhere in the crowd since they went to this taping while in Orlando for 'Mania, but sadly I'm unable to spot any of them. All three men run down the card but the only Lockdown matches I care about at the moment are Team Tomko v. Team Cage and Samoa Joe v. Kurt Angle. Cornette says he's not mad Matt Morgan made a deal with Christian Cage, he's mad Morgan didn't tell him first. Therefore he relieves Morgan of his "administrative duties" and says he's now a wrestler only. Backstage bimbo interviews him. "Jim Cornette's gonna go his way, and Matt Morgan's gonna go my way. It's hard sitting at the back of the bus when you know you can take 99... no 100% of the roster on any given night! At the end of Lethal Lockdown, everybody's gonna know why they call Matt Morgan the most genetically jacked, athletically stacked, giant going today!" We throw back to commercial. **** I forgot how often Impact went to commercial when I skipped through everything with the DVR.

Promo for Lockdown in Lowell, MA as we come back from break - apparently tickets are still on sale for this show even now. The Voice of TNA says there's a new elite club in TNA, but you have to impress Scott Steiner to join. Apparently Maple Leaf Muscle has been trying to impress Steiner to join. That's what I get for skipping the backstage vignettes. Steiner says Williams is a negative because he's a Canadian and Canadian sucks, then puts car battery leads on his chest to shock him. Seems I saw a skit like this with Shane McMahon and Kane almost five years ago.

* Scott Steiner & Petey Williams v. Motor City Machine Guns

Tenay explains there's a six team tag match inside the cage on Sunday with 11 pairs of handcuffs, and the one person who doesn't get handcuffed to the cage wins. Sounds like the kind of stupidity only Vince Russo could come up with. The match starts with Petey Williams and Chris Sabin. Shelley comes in to double team. Steiner tries to make a save and gets handed his rear. Shelley hits a fireman's carry slam and Sabin nails him right after he hits the ground. Steiner clubs Sabin from behind and it enables Williams to hit a spinkick and go on offense. Rocka Khan comes down to ringside with a bag in her hand as we go to commercial.

Steiner is dropping elbows on Sabin as we come back before tagging in Williams. Sabin counters with a knee and a bulldog and rolls across the ring to tag Shelley, who hits a flying crossbody, a leg sweep and superkick. Toando DDT by Shelley, frogsplash, two count and Steiner leaps in to make the save. Sabin dropkicks then superkicks Steiner to clear him out of the ring. Sabin and Shelley double team Williams but he kicks out before three. Steiner eats another dropkick, Sabin tries to crossbody him outside, Steiner gets out of the way. Back in the ring Williams hits the Canadian Destroyer and gets the three count. WINNERS: STEINER & WILLIAMS.

Afterwards Steiner tells Williams he still has one more test to pass. Steiner pulls a pair of scissors out of Rocka Khan's bag. Reluctantly Williams says yes and Steiner cuts off his ponytail. Next comes the electric razor. Yes, in TNA, the WINNER gets his head shaved bald. Hopefully he evens this out because right now it's looking pretty bad. Well he must have some experience as a barber because he does start to trim the sides. Steiner offers him a chain mail headdress and now Williams is a miniature version of the Big Bad Booty Daddy. Don West calls him Little Petey Pump. Commercial.

Mike & Don at ringside when we come back and they're still reacting to the "initiation" of Petey Williams. They promote the Kurt Angle v. Samoa Joe match before Tenay says "Let's take a look at the history between the two." We go all the way back to Angle headbutting Samoa Joe as we get a video recap of all their previous encounters over the last two years. Nash says Joe will win because it's his destiny, it's his time. A lot of other people offer their input as well but Joe says it best: "There's only one option Kurt - you passed out in the middle of the ring, me standing over you victorious."

Angle's music is playing and he hits the top of the entrance ramp with the title belt and a mic. Now I know what Dr. Keith meant about pimpin' suits - Angle's looks like it's straight out of a Godfather movie. Angle - blah blah blah, most important match ever, blah blah blah, this contract says Joe quits wrestling if he loses. "So Samoa Joe, I would like you to come down here, look me in the eye, do what you said you were gonna do, live by your word and sign this contract. Make it real, make it DAMN real." Joe's music hits and his suit is if anything even more impressive considering how sculpted its tailored lines make him look. Crowd chants NEXT WORLD CHAMP. More Angle blah blah blah, wanting to know if he's willing to risk it all against the greatest wrestler of all time. Joe: "Kurt I came out here to reassure you and the world that when I make a promise I mean every word of it. One is that if I don't walk out the champion I will never step in the ring for this or any other company again. But Kurt you see it's promise two you have to worry about. On April 13th there will be no excuses, it will just be me standing over you, the TNA World Heavyweight Champion." Joe signs the contract. The two stare off as we go to commercial.

We're back with a promo video for Lockdown this Sunday. I'm only ordering this one if Dave and Dave (Mad Monk) come over - no way I'm paying $30 for it just to watch it by myself. Gail Kim and ODB are backstage and the interview bimbo wants to know if they're on the same page going into a match against Amazking Kong and Cheerleader Melissa. Kim: "Kong, at Lockdown, we're gonna end your domination - the two of us - inside six sides of steel." ODB: "I know I'm ugly but you must be hideous to keep hiding behind that veil. I'm gonna rip that blanket off your head so we can have us an ugly contest, because I'm not just another pretty face. OOHHHHH!"

* Angelina Love (with Velvet Sky) v. Roxxi Laveaux (with nobody)

Apparently one of the backstage segments I DVR'd my way through was Team Pr0n promising Roxxi a makeover only to put hairspray in her eyes and beat her down backstage. I guess that makes Team Pr0n the heels because they are BAD GIRLS, though I'd say they are heels because they are BAD WRESTLERS. Love pounds the head of Roxxi into the canvas then attempts to kick her head off before making the cover for two. She chops her down as "Senior Referee" Rudy Charles looks on, while Tenay promotes TNA Mobile. Roxxi makes a comeback with elbows, punches, and hits a big boot before making the cover. Velvet Sky distracts the ref, Love goes for an eyerake, but it's for not as Roxxi hits the Voodoo Drop for three. WINNER: ROXXI LAVEAUX.

Well at least the more talented wrestler won. She backs up the ramp to the seeming approval of the crowd as we go TO THE BACK with Super Eric. He vows to rid TNA of all its villains, starting tonight with Black Reign. "Fear is temporary, heroes are forever." They play some mock Superman music as we go to a commercial break.

We're back with TNA's Rough Cuts and B.G. James says Kip has to take the bigger step and be willing to talk to him. "Once we get all the physicality out of the way, maybe we can sit down and talk about this." Kip James: "Go teach or do whatever you want to do, just so I never have to see you again." B.G.: "I've dang sure done my share of fighting." Kip: "Every single moment it gets closer I get more anxious, I'm chomping at the bit. B.G.: "I don't know what strategy to employ. Emotionally I'm a wreck already but at the same time I pray to God he's fearing for his health." Kip: "After this I'm going to become world champion. SINGLE. One."

* Black Reign v. Super Eric

They're actually billing Eric Young as being from Metropolis now. Either I had missed that or fast forwarded through it before now. Black Reign drags him out of the ring before the opening bell and throws him into the steel steps, then throws him back into the ring to stomp on him. Tenay babbles about the 12 man handcuff match at Lockdown as Dustin Rhodes gives Eric Young a beatdown. Young makes a comeback, hits a scoop slam, and goes up to the top rope for a missile dropkick. He ducks a clothesline, fireman's carry, death valley driver, three count! WINNER: SUPER ERIC.

So Chris Harris couldn't beat this guy up for months, and Eric Young beats him in one match. Whatever. Rellik is Killer hits the ring immediately and they give him a two on one beating before handcuffing him to the ropes. Kaz comes out to make the save then the rest of the geeks from the 12 man match hit the ring. Super Eric breaks the handcuffs in two and hits a high back bodydrop on Lance Hoyt and a clothesline on Jimmy Rave. Super Eric pulls Kaz back up to his feet and the two pose on the ring ropes as the rest of the geeks bail to the back. Tenay throws us to a video package reviewing the blood feud between Robert Roode and Booker T. "At Lockdown I will prove to you why I'm simply the best. Now can you dig that, SUCKA." Commercial.

We return with a "TNA Wrestling: Cross the Line" promo. Tenay hypes up Queen of the Cage and we go to a video package promoting the event. It's like the Reverse Gauntlet Battle Royal, except featuring Rocka Khan, Traci Brooks, Christy Hemme, Peyton Banks, Roxxi Laveaux, Angelina Love, Velvet Sky, Selenus and Jacqueline. The TNA announcer calls it an eclectic mix of brawn, beauty and steel where only two can make it inside the cage and only one can win. We go back to Tenay and West once again promoting Lockdown, this time focusing on Team Tomko v. Team Cage and Samoa Joe v. Kurt Angle, before throwing to a preview of the double main event. This show seems to be almost all video packages, and may actually be the better for it.

TO THE BACK with Sting. "This is my family. I'm standing next to Kevin Nash for crying out loud. This is my home, my breed, the only thing I know. Where else am I gonna go! What roads have you paved Brother Ray? Tonight when we square off in the ring I'll make it clear, and you will never doubt me again." Nash: "Quite frankly, I'm here for the money. Overpaid? I'd rather be overpaid than underpaid. You know how you get paid? By being a main eventer. When we go through you guys tonight, it keeps me in that spotlight. Where does Nash go after this? I go where the money's at." Commercial.

* Team 3D v. 'Big Sexy' Kevin Nash & 'The Icon' Sting

Nash ans Sting salute each other with horns as the match begins, then Nash starts dealing out punishment to Brother Devon. Boots and knees to the gut before an elbow to the face drops Devon to the mat. Nash pulls him up, sizes him up, then he tags in Sting. Sting locks the head of Devon but Devon fights out and starts hitting right hands. Sting ducks a clothesline and knocks Devon down. Devon calls for a timeout and Brother Ray tags in. Ray gives Sting a double handed shove to the chest. BIG MISTAKE. Stings hulks up on him, wails on him, even bites him in the forehead. We go to commercial break with Sting and Nash standing strong; or at least that's what I remember because it took about four minutes for this update to upload and I didn't want to hit the replay on the DVR to make sure. I'm sure the heels will be wailing on the babyfaces when we come back anyway.

Just as I predicted, "during the break" Brother Ray slammed Sting's head into the steel steps, and 3D got into "the driver's seat" as Tenay puts it. Ray and Devon are double teaming Sting, but he ducks them and hits a double clothesline off the ropes. Nash has his hand out waiting for a tag and Sting makes it. Here comes Diesel! Right hands to both members of 3D and a big boot to Ray. Devon gets a side slam for two before Ray breaks up the count.

It's a cluster**** as all four men are in the ring. Sting puts on a Scorpion Deathlock and Nash goes for the finish too but then the bell rings as it's a huge cluster**** as EVERYBODY on both teams hits the ring and Earl Hebner keeps calling for the bell over and over again. NO CONTEST. Matt Morgan is the last man to hit the ring and he goes after Brother Ray first. Morgan cleans house, clotheslines Tomko out, Jacqueline jumps on his back and gets press slammed over the ropes. Everybody spills outside to continue the fight. Cage and Storm go over the railing and Cage gets the better of him. Tomko throws Sting into a ringpost. Cage throws Storm back over the rail then brawls with him up the ramp. Rhino gores Gores GORES AJ Styles out of his shoes and socks inside the six sides. Tenay says we'll see you Sunday at Lockdown and that's the end of the show!