It has its potential. Is this meant to be played like a song, perhaps with an acoustic guitar?

We have a Arts & Literature forum, perhaps you would like to run this and the others you wrote by its moderator "MissyO", wonderful woman and very quite intelligent, but most importantly, she's honest.

Oh, and also Ophelia, she reads tons of literature she can maybe help out a bit if she catches your thread.

And perhaps, if you don't mind, we can suggest certain changes or point out things that stick out. Stop by and say "hello".

Cheers.