[wannabe]

Been a while since anyone's had any dreams they care to admit, eh?

A few nights ago, while I was still on the road, I had an odd dream with Lacey and her mom. I don't remember why we started talking to each other - maybe it was just a random encounter at WalMart or something - but her mom and I were hitting it off real well, almost like we were old friends. Apparently, in my sleep, I'm a sparkling conversationalist, or at least very good at imagining I am. Miss Julie seemed in excellent health, and not that much older than Lacey. She looked a LITTLE like Joan Jett, who came to sing for my boat while we were deployed.

Lacey knew that I was a big fan, but she started getting a little jealous that I wasn't paying ANY attention to her; she was just standing, listening in, subtly getting more and more upset that I wasn't paying any attention to her. Her mom was oblivious to this, just chatting on and on with me, and Lacey was trying to be nice and patient, but I could see she was eager to rip me a new one for engaging her mother so thoroughly, and her not at all.

Finally, she's to the point where anyone watching us can see she's about to blow up, and I'm actually afraid she's going to insult her mother in some way - you know how impatient kids can behave - so when it's my turn to speak, I look at Lacey and politely ask, "And how are you?"

She just stands there and steams as inobviously as she can, so as not to upset her mother, who by now seems to think I'm the bee's knees. Seeing Lacey isn't going to say anything, but what she wants to say is obvious, I go on, "You didn't think I was pulling your leg when I said I was your mom's biggest fan, did you? You didn't think that just because you don't like me that she can't like me, did you? You had your chance, you made your choice, you expected me to be big about it, now it's your turn." Or something like that. Not entirely sure where that came from (most likely from a similar family incident, but I'm not saying more than that), but it felt good for a moment to rub her nose in it, as if we'd been divorced on bad terms or something, and this was FINALLY my chance to get back at her.


Then last night, I had another brief encounter. One of the Lacey-links I posted also clued me in on some trouble JLH has been having lately. She and Ross broke up, and I was disheartened by this. On top of that, there are still a bunch of mean and idiotic comments about her thighs being a little bigger than they used to be. And she had to have a restraining order against some schmuck which also disturbed me a little. It all made me want to write her a letter to try and perk her up, but I couldn't think of anything I could say that 10 million of her fans hadn't already told her, and though it might mean slightly more to her that some random not-really-a-fan felt bad for her, my letter would likely never reach her in time to matter to her, if it reached her at all.

The first part of my dream was almost like watching a TV program. Having spent practically zero time fawning over JLH and/or Ross McCall, it's kind of weird to dream about them breaking up. The next thing I see is Ross and Lacey making out, and I think to myself that this is why the breakup happened. It goes a little bit farther than that, but nothing really worth painting a picture of.

The next thing I know, Lacey and I are sitting at the breakfast table. The house is a lot like the house I grew up in in small town Indiana, but the kitchen feels a little more modern, as if I'm imagining being in HER house. I'm there because I was summoned by her. She's decided to acknowledge my existence, allow me to interview her. My Journalism teacher, Mr. Beresford, is sitting nearby, because this is my first celebrity interview, and he's in charge of the school newspaper and doesn't want me to bring shame on it. Mr. B wasn't that much older than me, so it's actually a bit funny to Lacey that a young guy is there to watch over an older one.

It's a pretty informal interview, and I'm not at all intimidated by her. I've had interviews with lots of people, so she's just another interview subject right now. Between questions, she and Mr. B are flirting a little with each other, mostly just cracking jokes about how nervous I am (which I'm not) or about other questions I have for her, and she's trying to pry his phone number out of him. (I'm no judge of male beauty, but Mr. B didn't have to go anywhere alone if he didn't want to.)

And then I notice she's wearing one of those dresses I don't like that looks like a maternity gown, and I ask her about that. (One of the insulting articles I browsed last night mentioned JLH was wearing a maternity gown to hide her growing hipline.) Lacey says, "Don't tell anyone, but I'm pregnant." (Yeah, that's a smart thing to say to a reporter!)

Mr. B is surprised, but I'm not. He asks, "Who's is it?"

She looks square at me. This isn't a "you're about to catch me in a lie but don't say anything" look, this is a "you're guilty as sin" look. "I can't say," she says.

Okay, NOW I'm surprised. Mr. B caught the look too, and eyes me suspiciously. It's apparently against some ethical guideline for me to interview someone I know. "Whoa!" I cry, "I've never met you before 5 mintues ago, it can't be mine!"

She pulls a manila envelope out of some place and slaps it on the table right in front of me. "Blood tests don't lie. It's yours. You did this to me, and now you're gonna pay." She's got her brow furrowed like she's going to sue me for so much child support that I'll be handing my paychecks over to her without the benefit of having ever been married.

I open the medical folder (formerly the envelope) and see all kinds of strange diagrams that have nothing to do with anything, but somehow they prove what she's saying. Then there are pictures of what she and Ross did (presumably a few nights before), except I'M in the pictures instead of Ross. And that seems to change it in my mind, because I remember doing that, except I also remember that nothing actually happened. We just rolled around and kissed a little, and that was it. Except I'm also starting to remember we've really actually never met, so I'm pretty confused. But then I remember that on that night, I was consoling JLH, something Lacey should have been doing.

I get mad at Lacey. I throw the envelope (it's changed back) across the room and it flies through the door and falls off a cliff. (There was no cliff in my back yard!) I teleport JLH to the room, and say, "Tell her where I was the night you broke up!" And she does. She says we were watching Lacey and Ross getting together, that she was crying the whole night, and all I did was try in vain to cheer her up so she wouldn't kill herself (a disturbing parallel to something that happened about a month ago). JLH disappears - apparently she got retconned into a hologram telephone call - but Lacey still insists her baby is mine, and I'm going to pay for it.

Mr. B doesn't know what to make of it, but he's looking through the folder (no idea how he got it) and points out that the baby wasn't made in the natural way, that she somehow got hold of my DNA sample from when I was in the navy and used that. And of course, now she's showing, so when she throws herself in my arms and begs my forgiveness, I give it to her, because I'm a sucker like that, especially as I'm thinking of the baby needing to have two parents.

And then I wake up enough to realize it's just a dream, before it becomes a nightmare. (Loveless marriage? Even to Lacey? No thanks!)